Audrey Part 2

I tell ya, kids can just be brutal. What is making it more difficult is that Audrey is in a new school with a bunch of kids I don't know. I have no idea if they have a history of lying or any feeling for what kind of person they are. This girl who sent the picture message keeps saying she did not send the message, but it was her phone. No denying that. She says she let someone use her phone and that person sent the message. How do you get to the bottom of something like that! Ugh.

Anyway, the meeting went well. The teacher was so upset about what she did that she was in tears. I really feel that what she did was no malicious and that she had no idea the snowball she was rolling down the hill. Hopefully this will have taught her a lesson. The counselor was there and also very supportive. He takes the issue very seriously and told Audrey to come straight to him any time anyone gives her any trouble about this issue.

I am embarrassed to say that I used to be one of those people who thought it was a mind over matter issue. Until my three year old started experiencing it. I feel like so many people are completely unaware of the seriousness. Of course she is my daughter and I am so frustrated when I can't fix everything...welcome to motherhood.

Anyway, I feel like school wise the issue is being handled very well. Handling the girl outside of school is another issue. I guess I am being a softie, it seems like overkill to me to file a police report....but on the other hand, I really feel that kids are using phones and computers to harass eachother far too much. And they do not realize the brevity of what they are doing. What do you all think?

Audrey

Here is an email I sent to a dear friend of mine this morning explaining the issues going on with Audrey at the moment. It said everything I would have said here....

So, here's the deal with what's going on. As I believe you already know, Audrey has serious issues with blood. She passed out from the sight of blood for the first time at the age of three. A three year old has no pre-conceived notion about blood. By the time she was 6 her pediatrician sent her to a pediatric neurologist because she had such severe reactions. When she has an incident, she doesn't just pass out, she also has a seizure with eyes rolling back and wetting her pants. The whole bit. It is not pleasant and it is frightening for her, not to mention that we are fortunate she has not injured herself seriously while falling. NOW, imagine being a teenager and worrying that this will happen in front of your friends or at school or both!

We have had issues in the past with classmates knowing about her condition and trying to show her pictures or do things to cause her to pass out. We have also had issues with people not believing her. Thinking it is just in her head or that she is simply trying to get attention. Mind you, she has never passed out at school (thank goodness!). Last week her science teacher decided to share this information with at least three of her classes. She apparently said to each class, "Did you know that we have a Hemophonbe in our school? Do you know what that is?", and then proceeded to tell them it was Audrey.

That in itself I think is actually illegal. The teacher has no right to share Audrey's private medical issues with anyone, let alone at least three classes! Then the teacher has the audacity the very next day to show a video with blood in it (About Sickle Sell Anemia) and not believe Audrey when she started to feel ill.

Oh, and it gets better! Last night, one of Audrey's classmates sent her a very gory picture of a surgery on her phone. This is what happens when people have this information. They use it to try to hurt her or bully her. Pisses a Mama off to say the least!

I have gotten a note from Audrey's Pediatrician to give the school and have a conference scheduled with her science teacher and the counselor at 9:30am today. Oh, AND since I scheduled the conference, the teacher has asked Audrey twice what it was about! Completely out of line. Anyway, that's the scoop.

I will let you know how things go this morning.

Rain, Rain....and Rain

I am at home for a few minutes since I brought Audrey back from the campsite to get all cleaned up for her birthday party tonight. During which I am sure, she will get all icky and muddy again since it's a teeny bit wet out there. Ah but still fun. Jeff talked me into camping last night and I swear that the minute we pulled into the park it began pouring rain. Thankfully it didn't last and we actually had a very peaceful night with a small bit of rain. Of course, this morning was a completely different story as it rained HARD. But it wasn't windy and we had a shelter, so no big deal. No more rain in the forecast either.

I started my census job this week. Well, I trained last week (BORING), but actually started doing the job this week. Unfortunately I found out that they may not have any more work for me after this week. That really sucks. It's a great paying and easy job with flexible hours, so I hope they find us some new areas. We sure could use the money.

So, I got some bad news last week about my Mom. She has been having alot of health issues and in the process of doing tests for other things, the Dr.'s have found a spot on her thyroid and a tumor in her lung. She will have an ultrasound of her thyroid and a CT scan of her lung next week to gather more information. Plus, she will get the results of the blood work they did last week. I was pretty upset when I first heard those new issues. But at this point, what's the point of worrying? There isn't anything I can do about it, so I guess it's just wait and see. I am just trying hard not to think about it much, but that isn't working so well. Sigh...

As far as our fight goes, well, it went the way of so many....suddenly she started talking to me again and we never talked about the issue at all. I would like to talk about it, but at this point, with all she has on her plate, I will let it go. Too much stress already.

Lastly, here are pics of the latest home improvement project. My favorite so far. The Dining Room! I am going to see if I can find some of the "before" pics so you can see the difference. Unfortunately, this is the only picture I could find, but it will have to do. Just a boring plain room. In this picture we had just ripped up the carpet.

In total we spent about $50 on this room, but I think it looks like we spent ALOT more! The first thing I did was get some Rustoleum metal paint and painted the light fixture. It was an ugly brass fixture, but with a new coat of paint and some lampshades I bought at IKEA, it's a new fixture! Next, we ripped out the carpet which cost us nothing but some elbow grease and time. We bought the red paint for $5 at the Habitat For Humanity Restore. Then we bought some trim and stain at Home Depot for the back wall and also concrete stain. Violla! We have a brand new, rockin dining room!

Shiner, Big Hair & Kitty's

I've been bad about catching up on all the latest news and events going on in the Geren/Folsom household. Soooo...here goes! Last week I met my sister at the Waco Zoo. It was a beautiful day and the zoo was sooo terribly uncrowded! Yay! We had a really great time. What a nice zoo. My favorite animal to see at the zoo is always the giraffe, but I also found a new favorite. The black swan. I had no idea how beautiful they were! See the beautiful ruffles his feathers make at his tail? Stunning.

Then Friday Michael's whole Third Grade went to the Austin Zoo. Not nearly as nice as the Waco Zoo, but really fun anyway. Michael was thrilled to have me there with him (Unfortunately I forgot the camera for this one!). It was some really nice Mom and son bonding time. AND while I was at the zoo, I got a call from the Census Bureau, I got a job! It is a temporary job, but a really good and well paying gig. I'll take what I can get, that's for darn sure!

Saturday we left very early for Michael's baseball tournament in Shiner, TX. I was so happy to see that Michael played First Base for the entire first game. That hadn't happened in quite a while. he did a great job and hit well too. After the second game, the team headed out to a Mexican restaurant. On the way there Michael was sticking his head out the window enjoying the beautiful weather. He is growing his hair out and when I looked in the backseat I could hardly keep it together. Hopefully it will make you laugh too!

It was a fun night although LOUD with alot of hyper boys. The adults finally began to have fun and relax when the beer and Pina Colada's started coming:).

The town of Shiner is rather small and old, and driving home we saw a neat little park with a huge cannon Michael wanted to see, so we stopped. While we were there we found this really cool time capsule and Michael and I made a date for it's opening in 2037.

Last but not least, a little kitty humor.

THIS is MY box.

I AM NOT fat! I DO fit in here too!

FINE! Everyone knows my Target bag is more stylish than your pudding box anyway!

Crisis.....of the heart

Depression.....they say it hurts and they aren't wrong. I've been on both sides. When you are depressed, the depression lies to you. It tells you that you are worthless, that you have no friends, that life is bad. I've been there. I've also been on the other side of it. The side that GETS hurt. I have learned over time that I have to protect myself sometimes, even when it is someone you love most that is hurting you.

My Mom suffers from serious depression and has for years. Sometimes it's alright and sometimes it isn't. Even one harsh tone from her can send me reeling. We are all tangled up together in a mesh of being really close in a good way and being dysfunctional in others. My mother is suffering right now with some serious medical issues. It has caused her to be in a real depression. Unfortunately, it has also caused her to lash out at me. As of this moment she isn't even speaking to me.

Why? Well, apparently because I am being a bad parent to my daughter. Audrey expressed to her the desire to try out for cheerleading. I was upset at first because it was so last minute and Audrey just hadn't been preparing, but at my Mother's insistence, I gave in. I got her a coach and asked her to practice. I told her she would have to work very hard because there was alot of competition.

Audrey has struggled because she wants to have her "thing". You know that thing that you are good at. Her brother plays baseball and she is honest and tells me she is jealous because he has that and she feels she doesn't have something. We had a heart to heart and I explained to her that not everyone's "thing" has to be something sports related. Audrey loves to write and has signed up for Journalism class next year. She will do great and love it. She just has to be patient. She has yet to practice to cheerleading. I figure if it is something she really wanted, she would be working on it, right? Ah, but somehow that is my fault in my Mother's eyes. She thinks that I have put Audrey down and that now she thinks she can't do it. She thinks that because her Mother told her the same things.

I finally wrote her an email today and told her the ball is in her court. I told her that I love her and want to have a relationship with her and that I don't understand why she wants to stay mad at me. It isn't fair to withhold love from someone as a punishment. It isn't right and I don't deserve it. No one does. I know exactly the impact this will have on her. I spent too many years not standing up for myself for fear of sending her farther down into the depression. Now I know that part isn't my fault. I have to stand up for myself, as painful as it is. I can only hope and pray that she will decide to let me back in and not do something that will break all of our hearts.

Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers. I am very scared for her right now, and I am shut out. Even though I know the truth about depression, I would never be able to forgive myself if something happens to her before we can get things worked out. I love her, she's my Mom. The only one I'll ever have.

Left Handed Darts

So, we had this big storm on last week. Perfect time to do a massive and FAST cleaning of our garage. And maybe not so much cleaning as pushing everything to the back, but whatever, it looks much better! That being said, Jeff realized that we now have room to put up our dart board, so he got that all set up last night. Even painted us a handy little line so we know where to stand. Last night was the first night in weeks that we were sans children, so we went out into the garage and played a couple of games of 501. After we played the first game, Jeff decided maybe it would be easier for him to play left handed since his injury was making playing right handed difficult. I then decided it was only fair if I played left handed too. LOL! We actually did pretty darn well! It was a fun evening. Thanks for setting up the dart board babe:).

In about thirty minutes I am off to a day of baseball and softball and maybe Natalee's soccer game if I can make it. Another cold and very windy day, ick! I am so not looking forward to this. Don't get me wrong, I love watching them play, but I'm not so fond of the cold and especially the cold and wind. I'd better go load up the keeping warm supplies.

Have a great weekend!

Spring Break

Another Spring Break has come and gone. It was nice. I tried to get us a camping trip scheduled, but every stinkin campsite from here to Arkansas was booked. Lesson learned. It was nice though, we slept in everyday and then the kids hung out with friends mostly.

I did have my first foray into the SXSW world. A girl I knew growing up was going to be performing down on 6th Street Thursday, so I thought that would be a perfect thing to do. I have to say, the people watching was amazing! After she sang we bar hopped a little just to see the other bands that were playing. I guess one of these years I will really have to try out the whole experience.

We did have one mishap that very nearly broke our hearts. The first weekend of Spring Break, one of our two brother kitties, Rum Tum decided he wanted to be an outdoor cat. Every opportunity he got, he tried to escape. We had to retrieve him from the neighbor's bushes more than once. On St. Patrick's Day he had run out about four times. Finally, the last time I just said, leave him out. Since he is neutered I didn't think he would go far. He didn't come back....

Friday we loaded up the car and headed out to our friend's parent's house on Lake Limestone. It's about two hours from here. It was such beautiful weather and such a nice place. We pulled up to find their house on about an acre of land that was fenced in with several dogs. We had brought our dog Buddy with us and Tony and Michelle had their two as well. It was quite the Dog Whisperer's pack! There was a Great Pyrenees, a yellow lab, an Australian Shepard, a Golden Retriever, a Beagle Mix, 3 Rat Terriers, and Charlie the cat. Buddy fit right in and had a great time. He isn't used to so much space to roam in, so it was a treat. Our treat though was the littlest rat terrier Diva who was only six weeks old. She had the most pictures taken. Teeeny tiny thing.

The middle picture is of the biggest dog, Whiskey, a Great Pyrenees, and Diva. I just had to get the size difference here!

We relaxed and enjoyed our time, however short. Saturday we got up (Thank you young boy next door who decided at 8am to ride the lawnmower the 60 feet from your house to the dock!) and made breakfast. Leon had procured a neat wood cutting machine that the boys all got busy using to cut up some trees they had cut down recently. Here are Michael and Justin earning their keep.

Later that day we looked over at the next door neighbor Larry's boat dock and saw him trying to real in a HUGE fish. I told Jeff he should probably go help. Once they got the fish out of the water, I took this picture. AMAZING!

Mighty HUGE Catfish!

We had to come home on Saturday evening because Michael had to be at his baseball tournament early Sunday morning. As we turned the corner to get to our house I saw what I thought was Rum Tum running into our yard. We pulled in and Jeff jumped out and Rum Tum ran into his arms just meowing away! He was completely unscathed and happy to be home. He ate about three times in that first thirty minutes and then passed out. Poor boy!

He hasn't tried to escape once since then. I guess he's realized how good her has it, at least for now!

Parents, Weekend and Possible Trips

I am sitting in the Monument Cafe in Georgetown, TX, one of my kids very favorite places to eat. Second only to Luby's for Michael. Actually it is just Michael and me today. Audrey spent the night with a friend and Jeff needs some extra rest for healing purposes. I thought it would be a fun treat for the two of us. I brought my computer because I knew they would have wifi and I am trying to plan some sort of trip for us this week. A little adventure. All the camping places here in the central Texas areas are booked, so we are thinking of heading north to Arkansas and camping our way up to visit my parents who were just here for the weekend. We'll see if I can talk Jeff into this. He is worried because he can't help much in the camping set up department, but I keep telling him that before I met him I did it all by myself and am still perfectly capable.



The three of us slept until 9:30am this morning....oh it was really nice. I guess we needed it. We did stay up quite late on Saturday night and my parent's being in town is always tiring. They came in to town to watch Michael's baseball tournament, which was subsequently cancelled due to the much needed rain. My parents arrived Friday just in time to see Michael in his hoedown at school. Mom arrived just in time to be invited out for a line dance, what fun! That night I made venison chili and we hung out and enjoyed eachother's company. Saturday I spent really worried about Jeff who was still in ALOT of pain. We changed his bandage and it was a big ordeal. Fortunately he got some pain meds in him and it helped some. My sister the nurse also told us some other ways he could take the meds to get the most out of them. He was a little better yesterday, but it sure is slow going on this healing thing.



I guess I should explain to those of you who don't know what happened. Last Tuesday was going to be a super busy day for us. Or evening really. Michael had a program at his school at 6:30pm and Audrey had her first softball game at 7:30pm, but had to be there at 7. I had to run out to Academy to get Audrey new cleats and socks and a mouth guard and I got back home around 5pm. I jumped in the shower as Jeff was working on getting dinner ready so we could eat before we all headed out. Jeff was using a mandolin slicer to slice some potatoes and I guess got in too much of a hurry. He wasn't using the guide he was supposed to use to keep this kind of accident from happening. His hand slipped and instead of slicing a potato, he sliced off a big hunk of his thumb. He came to me in the shower telling me we needed to go to the hospital, so I hurried out and off we went. They had a difficult time stopping the bleeding, but it still didn't take too long at the ER. Unfortunately, it did take long enough that I missed Michael's program. Thankfully my awesome neighbor's stepped in and picked Michael up and took him. We got out in time to get Audrey to her game. What an evening.

So Saturday Mom, Audrey and I went to go find Audrey a dress for her spring dance. She wears between a size 0 and a 4 depending on the dress, so she looked good in everything she tried on. Oh to be that young and skinny again....they just have no idea! Anyway, it was good three generation bonding time and we found a great dress. We spent the evening hanging out with Jeff's brother James and his wife Regina, Mom and Dad and our neighbor's Tony and Michelle. It was a really fun night before I made the mistake of debating politics with my Dad and a little with my Mom. I should have known better.

My Mom has always been a VERY liberal Democrat and my Dad has been middle of the road, but alot of the time leaning more toward conservatism. My Mom was utterly destroyed when I expressed my more conservative views when I was younger. I don't think either of my parents ever thought my views were my own, they thought that my X husband had controlled me into those beliefs. I will say that one of the best things Rich did for me was to challenge my beliefs. When he would ask me questions about why I believed certain things, the only answer I could come up with was that my parents believed it. Once I began thinking of things for myself, there were alot of things I felt differently about than I had once thought. Of course, life experience helps with that alot as well.

Now though, what irritates me most is that people are so one side or the other. I count myself a conservative and I won't budge on something like abortion, but that is a very personal thing to me. I lost a baby once and it was a HORRIBLE experience for me. I will say no more on the subject except that our personal experiences do tend to color who we are politically. I am very supportive of gay rights, but am not for too much gun control. I am all over the place, and that is ok. What I get so upset about is the fact that some people just follow whatever the Democrats say (and some people Republicans). I am a firm believer that the picture has never been and never will be completely black and white. You have to pay attention to all those politicians. There are good ones and bad ones on both sides.

Anyway, I tried to state some facts and my Dad just ran all over me. Yelled at me right in front of my family and friends. I almost cried. It was embarrassing. He wouldn't even let me have an opinion. He apologized later, but it still stung. I guess I will forever be their kid. I love my parent's dearly, and I understand that no one is perfect. After that though (and a shot of tequila), the night was alot of fun. I am so thankful to have such great family and friends to share my time with.

My car is in getting the brakes fixed now, I will be relieved when it is fixed. I've been driving around for weeks with it making this awful noise. I knew it was going to be expensive and had to wait until we had the money. Woo hoo, no more grinding!

Anyway...I guess that's it for now....signing off:).

I Pimped My Campsite:)

Soooo, the pictures didn't turn out very well since my camera isn't very good at taking night pictures, but it really looked neat. You'll have to take my word for it. I have always loved Christmas lights. I always put WAY more than I need to on my tree because I enjoy the way they look. It just makes me happy. Many times when we have camped, we have seen people with lights up in the trees or on their shelter and this time I actually remembered to take some. It didn't take any time at all to hang them and then at night they just looked so neat. Jeff laughs at me because I am such a girl and little things like this make me smile ear to ear.

We had originally planned to go to a new state park that we had never been to. Colorado Bend. Then we found out that Jeffrey and Natalee had soccer games on Saturday, and with Colorado Bend being more than an hour away, we decided just to go down to McKinney Falls. Jeff and I camped there in January one weekend that we didn't have the kids. It's a really neat place. And apparently all of Austin knows this too. I drove down on Thursday afternoon after seeing Michael get safely home (that a whole other story). When I got there the attendant told me that they were booked up for the weekend. We could take our chances and stay Thursday night and hope someone cancelled, but that was just not worth it. So, off I went on the tollway to Georgetown to our old faithful campground at Jim Hogg Park. Surprisingly, we got a great campsite and no one even camped remotely near us. We expected that on Friday night there would be tons of people coming in to camp since the weather was so nice, but that didn't happen. Audrey and her friend Katie were REALLY disappointed that there were no cute boys...lol. We had a great time though.

Jeff is really tense right now. We have done really well and have been able to completely support ourselves since we lost our jobs (with the help of unemployment of course), but things are beginning to look bleak. I don't know if we can afford to pay our mortgage this month. I think we can swing everything else. We really debated paying it last month with all this so called mortgage help people are supposed to be getting, but we really don't want to screw up our credit that way. This month though, we may have no choice.

We did call our mortgage company in January and let them know what was going on, and please excuse me if I've already told this story. Our mortgage company is Countrywide. I repeat, Countrywide. They have been bailed out by the government already. We wanted to know if they had any programs for people like us, such as maybe deferring a payment to the end of the term or something like that. You know what they told us? No. There was no help for us at all. WTF! I'm sorry, I don't usually use that kind of language, but are you freaking serious? The government bails your butt out because you screwed up, and here we are honest hard working people who have fallen on hard times and YOU CAN'T HELP?

Jeff and I are not in the group of people who bought more house than they could afford. Yes, we do have a huge house, but we did not pay a fortune for it. The bank qualified us for ALOT more than we spent. We knew what we could afford and we found an amazing deal. I bet if we quit paying our mortgage they will find some way to help us, but as per usual, big business just doesn't care about the little guy. Obama ain't gonna pay our mortgage as some people seem to think he will. Sigh. I am just riding the wave and watching to see what will happen next. I hope it gets better soon.

I have a job for the summer that pays well and I really hope that Jeff can find something soon. He's going nuts with feeling like he isn't providing. He's doing everything he can, but it just isn't happening. Ohhhh to find him a nice Monday through Friday job with regular hours. Is that too much to ask? Ya'll keep your eyes peeled and let me know if you hear of anything. We'll take all the help we can get.

On a quick sidenote...our cats are so entertaining. Right now they are laying on the dining room table, the two of them laying exactly opposite of eachother making the shape of a heart. Heads bowed together and feet touching. SOOOO cute!

No News is Well....No News

Ugh, stealing Internet from your neighbors can be such a drag! LOL! Sometimes we just have days at a time where we just cannot get online at home. So, today i resorted to coming to a little tea shop in Round Rock to sit and get Internet access and drink Earl Grey. Ok, so that's not so bad at all!

On the job front, no news. Jeff turned Mesa Rosa down because not only was it a HUGE paycut, but they wanted him to work a 6 day week. Which is ridiculous. He has an interview tomorrow with someone else, a second interview, so we'll see. I had an interview yesterday, but when I got home Audrey scraped something off one of my teeth which, if it was in my teeth during the interview, I'm sure did me no good. How embarrassing!

Last weekend was of course filled with baseball. Three miserable games on Saturday and one on Sunday. They won all three on Saturday which was the only fun part about it. It was cold and the wind kept gusting dirt in our faces. I couldn't wait to get into the shower when I got home. Of course this weekend it is supposed to be beautiful. No baseball. But hey, we're going camping and for once it won't be cold!

I started Weight Watchers in earnest last Thursday and as of today I have lost 11 pounds! Over the last few years I have tried many things to lose weight, but I've never gotten farther than maybe six pounds, so 11, that is huge! I have to say, Weight Watchers really works and I am excited since I have a whole closet full of clothes I want to get back into. I've got a long way to go, but at least I am on my way. Skinny jeans, here I come:).

Ok, so I guess that's about it for now. Hopefully I will be able to get online more often...or maybe I'll just have to get up here to this cute little place for tea. Friar Tucks Pantry in downtown RR, next to the Library. Amy, they even have a little children's area, so maybe we should meet here for a pot of tea sometime soon.

To Share or Not to Share....THAT is the question!

I overthink blogging. Blogging is supposed to be about the everyday things in life that have been going on.

I am first going to try to do that for the time I have had since the last blog. Lets seee, lets see, what's been going on. WELL, last night I took Audrey to Stony Point Ninth Grade Center for FRESHMAN ORIENTATION! Woohoo, High School, here we come! Seriously though, whoa, it's a pretty intense deal. I told her last night she has no idea how much harder school is going to be and how much work she is going to be in for. I'm a little scared.

Michael had another baseball tournament. Did really well. It was intense though, as always. Sunday I was completely wiped out! I can't blame that completely on baseball though. We had a really fun weekend hanging out with friends and staying up way too late both Friday and Saturday. Great times:).

Yesterday Jeff got a job offer, but it's kind of a bitter sweet thing. He was offered an assistant manager position with Mesa Rosa. Pros: It's a job, it's not fast food, he likes the place alot, IT'S A JOB! Cons: It's a $25,000 pay cut (ouch), it's assistant managing, oh did I mention the $25,000 pay cut? The deal is that they want to open another restaurant sometime in the near future and would be using him to GM that, so there would be a raise involved, which is good. I just don't know how long it would be until that actually happens. I suppose that is something we need a more solid answer to (and a promise of) before he makes his choice. I will keep you updated.

I am still looking. I have an interview today, but I'm not really sure if it's going to be something that's worth doing. It was set up by one of Jeff's friends, so we'll see. I was pretty proud of myself last week though. I had to take a test in order to apply to work for the 2010 census. Yes, the government wants to test you before they hire you. Oh and it's not any silly easy test either! Thankfully I took the practice test online first. I couldn't believe how much they tried to trick me on that thing!

I am not a confident test taker. I get REALLY nervous. Not to mention the fact that I haven't taken a test in oh, say five years. I was really nervous. More so when I got into the room and half the people there were RE-taking the test. Even a guy who has a masters! The test is twenty eight questions long and you get thirty minutes. I really had to fight my nerves as the time started because my mind was telling me to run screaming out the door. That's how nervous I was. But I was REALLY proud of myself because not only did I finish, but I only missed two questions! Still haven't gotten a call though:(. I guess if it's meant to be, it will be.

So, on to the meat of my thoughts. As I saw on my friend Todd's blog not too long ago, I am pondering the depth in which I bare my soul while blogging. I have already deleted a sensitive post because I worried about certain people seeing it. I am torn. I started this blog to bare my soul because writing is great therapy for me. It's a great way for me to work out how I feel. Much like talking things out, for me, sometimes I just talk or write with no idea of what it is that is really bothering me. Eventually though, through that, it comes out.

I love that people read my bogs and love the support with which you readers have blessed me. My worry? Those people that may also have access or knowledge of my blog that I really don't care to share ANY of my deepest feelings with. There are a few people out there who have hurt me so deeply in life that to share any of my feelings with, well, it's not appealing. On some level I want to throw caution to the wind and say I don't care. If they care enough to read, then maybe their hearts are not nearly as cold as I thought. On the other hand, I do not want to give them fuel. I don't want to give them any other way to hurt me. I hope this is making sense.

As I am writing though, at least right now, I think I will just keep baring my soul. I am, just as everyone else in this life, imperfect and flawed in many ways. I like to think that I have taken some of my biggest life challenges and I have become better for them. So, if you happen to be reading this, and you know who you are, you're missing out. You loved me once before, and I'm stronger and wiser now. I could be your friend. And I'd be a damn good one too.

Home Improvement

As promised I am going to share pics of our home improvement/ art projects thus far. We have now not only been to the Georgetown Habitat For Humanity Re-Store, but also one in Austin. We have heard there is another one and will visit that one most likely tomorrow.

This is a pic of the cabitnet doors we bought in the AS IS section at IKEA. The idea here is to keep the kids feet from scuffing up the wall. I think it looks pretty cool!

Here is the "new" lighfixureI bought yesterday at the Austin RE-Store. It's a bit hard to see the green color, but it's really neat looking. WAY better than the boring one we had and for $20 a total steal! We got it installed today.

We have also painted and floored our downstairs powder room. The picture you will see is one I painted on one of those old windows I bought last week.



Today we pulled out the carpet in our dining room and plan to install wood flooring. That will take some time, but as soon as we have it done, I will post pics!

Next I am posting some art projects that I have worked on over the past few months. I am not the best artist in the world, but I do enjoy using that side of my brain, it relaxes me.

I got the idea for these on a recent visit to my friend Amy's house. Her mother made some AWESOME things for her kids rooms and I stole her ideas! Here again, I used cabinet doors bought at the Ikea AS IS section and flowers, ribbon and buttons I got on sale at various places.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Keeping busy. After ripping the carpet out of the dining room today Jeff looked at me and said "I gotta get a job!" I said, "Why, cause I'm killing you with home projects????" Yep. LOL!

Manic Mondays & Home Improvement

So, Monday was a BAD day for me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get out of my head. I could not escape the feelings of failure and the re-living of the experience. I guess I needed to do that. I needed to so that I could put it behind me. I woke up Tuesday and felt much better thankfully.

That's when I decided that Jeff and I needed something to do while waiting for the phone to ring. Why not work on the house? I had done alot of this between Thanksgiving and Christmas and paint can be found pretty cheap. If anyone can find a deal, it's me. For instance, you can go to Wal-Mart or whatever paint store and go to their "oops" section and find plenty of discounted cans of paint. Usually I can find a color I want for a fraction of the price. Also, the "As Is" section at Ikea has been great. I have made some cool art pieces using cabinet doors I found there.

I mentioned this to Jeff and he was excited about the idea, so off we went. First we went to the Habitat For Humanity Re-Store. Oh my gosh! It was so fun! The first thing I spotted was a bunch of old windows taken from really old houses. I have been trying to find these for a long time. Years ago at and art festival in Arkansas, my Mom bought one of these old windows that someone had painted with hearts. It is now in Natalee's room, but has been a cherished. Also, I knew I could re-create this. I was so excited and went in to ask how much they were, $5 a window! What a deal! I have high hopes of painting these and selling them. After I've gotten some done, I will post pics.

Inside was just tons more fun stuff. We ended up buying a box of Pergo that we plan to install in out guest bathroom. That only cost us $10. After that, we came home, unloaded and headed to Ikea. We have a bar in our kitchen that the kids eat at everyday. Their little feet always hit against the wall and it is always filthy. We've been trying to come up with a solution for a while now. We ended up buying 4 really neat cabinet doors that Jeff is going to hang down there which will keep the kids feet off the wall. I think it will look pretty cool too! Again, pictures to follow. So, this should keep us busy for a few days and in the process we can get some much needed improvements done to our house.

I am also looking into going back to training to become a childbirth educator and lactation consultant. It will take some time, but it is something I really love. I'll keep you updated.

Mid Life Crisis?

I was talking on the phone with my friend Juli yesterday and we pondered our lives together wondering mutually if we were both suffering from an early mid life crisis. We talked about how we had both been on Facebook and were shocked to see the faces of people we know from high school who actually look like grown ups. Does this make US grown ups too? LOL. I guess at 36 with two kids and a husband, I must be. But inside I still feel young. More than that, I am still that kid who doesn't know what she wants to do with her life. Well, of course I'd love to be a movie star with six houses and a personal trainer, but that ain't happinen.

SO. What now? I'm 36 years old. I thought I had a direction. That door has been shut so firmly in my face that I would be a complete idiot not to see it. I have to admit that it is embarassing to be 36 and drifting. I see all these other friends from high school and they have careers and direction. At least I know I'm not the only one, thanks Juli. Good to know I'm not alone.

My sister reminded me when she called to let me lean on her after the whole firing thing, to remember things that I love to do. Immediately reminding me of some things I had put aside years ago. I think she's on to something. I quickly realized that I don't have to choose right this minute. More than anything right now, I think its just time to take a step back and think about things. I'll find some job in retail or Starbucks or subbing and then go teach children's theater in the summer. From there, who knows....midlife crisis....here I come, only I can't afford a sports car.

On a Lighter Note

So, there are fun things to do when you are out of work. Like spending the whole day with your hubby. Yesterday we went and got our taxes done and are going to get a decent tax return, so that's good. Knowing you will be receiving money is always a good thing, but especially good when you are running low on it. I needed to run by another office close to Super Suppers to drop something off, plus I wanted to stop by the Asian market off Spicewood, so we headed off to Austin.

For those of you who don't know, Jeff and I love to cook. I really love Asian food and so we have begun experimenting with that. We found a recipe in a cookbook we have that we wanted to try. There were a few ingredients we couldn't find at HEB, so Asian market it is. Oh, how much fun it was! I think we spent 30 minutes just looking at the sauces. It's so cool looking at how different cultures cook and what ingredients they use. For instance, you can get a dozen quail eggs at this market. I have no idea what the difference in taste is, but it's neat to see. We very much enjoyed our time there and I would recommend going there if this interests you at all. There is a restaurant in the back too. We didn't eat there, but it was pretty busy, so it must be good.

There is another Asian market on Lamar, but I like this one better. The one on Lamar is HUGE and has alot more stuff, BUT the fish smell in there is somewhat repulsive. In the back of the store they have huge fish tanks with all sorts of weird fish. Cool to see, not so cool to smell.

I will say that I was not happy about how the meal turned out, but I'm hard on myself about these things. It wasn't bad. Michael ate three eggrolls. Of course, my kids love all things Asian as well. We will keep trying to perfect our Asian cooking. Yummy! And if that involves going back to the Asian market, so be it. I think I'll take the kids next time too.

Seriously???

So. Remember how I said being the boss isn't fun? Well, apparently, I wasn't quick enough about being the boss. I should have insisted that we fire Gabe right away. But I really wanted to try to make it work because I felt bad for the guy. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to do. Yesterday, after three whole weeks of work, I got fired. Yep, that's right folks, fired.

"Jake" got what he wanted. He's back in and I am out. Even one of the other employees called me to tell me that he went to the big boss and went to bat for me, but the big boss, Robert is the one who failed this time around. He should have let "Jake" go right from the beginning and then let me do my job. Instead, all I dealt with these past three weeks has been all the crap "Jake" has been throwing out there. You know what, to heck with the fake names, the guys' name is Gabe. No sense in protecting someone who is not innocent at all.

All the time leading up to this past Monday, my boss Robert was supportive of me. Gabe kept going to him with complaints (such as "Erin isn't cutting the bread correctly, or "the food quality just isn't what it used to be", even thought I wasn't the one in the kitchen cooking it!) and Robert kept telling me that Gabe was a cancer and that needed to be taken care of. Gabe was "out sick" nearly all week last week, but finally came back in on Saturday. Gabe then told me how he had talked on the phone to Eddie (the chef who helped open Caffe' Panini and now lives in New York, and oh, did I mention that he is Robert's nephew?) for hours the past night. Well, I really worried that was going to cause issues and that he would go to Robert and defend Gabe. Apparently, I was right because Monday, Robert was singing a different tune.

So, let's review what Robert said when he hired me and all along until Monday, and what he is saying now.

1. Then: "I need someone to be the face of Caffe' Panini." Now: "I need someone who is better at the back then the front of the restaurant."

2. Then: "You are doing so great, when I am over there, I can already see the changes with how people are reacting to the great service.", oh and this one "I told Gabe that you've only been here for a few weeks, there is only so much you can do in a short time." Now: "I really expected more from you by this time."

3. Then: "Eddie is just a guy who helped develop some great recipes for this place, but he isn't here now." Now: Well, I haven't heard anything directly on this, but I have my suspicions.

The list could go on, but it's just not worth it.

Oh, and you should see what the recruiter who helped me get the job thought about the whole thing. Boy was he ever mad! He was volunteering to help Robert out with his concept and in finding me. He usually charges a very large fee. He was the first one who told Robert that he needed to let Gabe go from the start because it would cause problems. He is furious and says he will never help Robert again. That makes me feel a little better. At least someone sees that this wasn't my fault.

I am embarrassed, which is where the anger comes from. Part of me says, "you failed Erin". And part of me says, "There is no way that you could make a HUGE difference in three weeks". I want to listen to that second voice, but that first one creeps in too. I honestly felt like I was working hard and had made great strides, and then to have someone tell you otherwise just really hurts. Robert never told me anything that he thought I was doing wrong, so if he wasn't happy, he should have told me. I am not a mind reader!

And darn it, why does this stuff just keep piling on! Jeff still hasn't found a job, and he sends resumes out every single day. I know I am ranting here, but that's why I started this blog. Mostly though I just keep telling people that this happened for a reason and once again, I am waiting to see what that is. Sigh. Feeling like a failure sucks. I am humiliated.

Being The Boss Isn't Always Fun

Well, at long last I am about to give you and update on my new job. I was hired at Caffe' Panini and started work on January 7th. When they hired me, the idea was that the current management wasn't working. The owners want to franchise the store and they wanted someone to kick it up a notch and get it really running smoothly so that could be done. Imagine my surprise when I walk in on the first day and am told and then introduced to, the former manager (I will call him Jake), WHO IS STILL WORKING THERE! It was awkward to say the least and I wasn't happy about the situation.

I tried to do my best to let him know how much I appreciated his humbleness at staying on and the help he was providing me. For the first week, things seemed fine. I can totally understand how that must have felt and I felt really badly about the whole situation. He is young and in culinary school, never has managed a place before. He seemed to understand that they wanted to do what was best for the restaurant to grow it. Moving in a new direction was what would do that.

Slowly though, things have gone down hill with him. I have asked him for help in several ways, such as writing down the soup recipe, but he has never done it. Even with me repeatedly asking. Right now I am working six days a week while we get things up and running, so on Monday's, I just work until 1:30. When I came in Tuesday, the place was a MESS! "Jake" had closed the afternoon before. I expressed gently my displeasure, but all I got from him was a bunch of excuses. I have since discovered that nothing is ever his fault...lol.

Things progressed about that way all week until yesterday when he crossed the line. I heard "Jake" telling my boss that he need to talk to him. I went to my boss and asked him if he would encourage "Jake" to talk to me since I am the boss at the restaurant. He agreed completely, thank goodness. I went right over and told "Jake" that I had overheard him talking to Robert and asked him if there was something I could do for him. I think this threw him a bit, but he went ahead and talked to me anyway. He told me how he thought the restaurant was going downhill and the quality was bad since I took over. He proceeded to tell me the other employees were unhappy (which I know is untrue because I do talk to them). He also complained about the other employees. He was all over the place and it was obvious that it was an effort to make me look bad. I discussed all his complaints with him and showed my willingness to work with him on the things he was concerned about. That should have been the end of it. But no, he then went ahead and talked to my boss as well. Right over my head. That ticked me off royally. It was VERY obvious that he was trying to do me in.

I didn't have a chance to talk to my boss about it all yesterday because he was out running errands. BUT, he did call me later that evening to tell me that he had just gone into the restaurant and one of the grills had been left on. Now, there are three panini grills in the kitchen. All sitting right next to eachother. When I left, I thought all three lights were off, telling me the grills were off. But when Robert came in later (and thank goodness he did!), one of them was left on. Now, if you were going to turn the grills off, you would turn them all three off at the same time. It seemed much to obvious that one was left on. Now, I take full responsibility for a grill being left on. I swear the lights were off, but if for some reason, one was still on, it's on me. I do however, think one was left on for the very reason of getting me in trouble.

Today, the disrespect from "Jake" has continued with some very sassy comments early on in the day. He is very obviously trying to make trouble. I called my boss and he agrees that this is a bad situation and must be remedied. We are planning to talk on Monday, but most likely, I will have to fire him. Ick. Not my forte. Never done it before, but in this situation, I cannot allow him to continue to try to sabotage me. It will hurt the whole operation, and that is unacceptable.

Listen to me! Two years ago, I would have been a mess over this situation, and I'm not even sure I would have had the confidence to stand up for myself at all. I've come a long way, and I like the newfound confidence I have. Go Erin!

Things Change

In an era when people are so amazed at our country electing an African American President, I have to say, I am not surprised. I guess this comes because I was never raised with these kinds of prejudices, although many in our country have been. My great Grandfather was a farmer, and his main ranch hand was, unsurprisingly, a black man. What was unusual, especially at the time, was that he was also my Great Grandfather's BEST friend. Their families did everything together. My Mother spent her summers there in tiny Temple, OK and I always love to hear the stories.

Growing up, my Grandparent's continued the tradition, even though they had moved to the big city (Oklahoma City). A couple times a year they would make the trek back to Temple with a truckload of baby chicks for Lome and George. I have such fond memories of these trips. Grandma and Gramper would have a big box of baby chicks in their trunk. They would always allow me to pick one baby chick, which I always fitting named "Peep", to ride up front with me in a shoe box. We would drive the couple of hours it took to get to Lome and George's little while house with Peep in my lap.

Being a city girl myself, going to a real farm was always alot of fun. I would race out of the car and hug Lome and of course introduce her to this trips' "Peep". She would always save the chore of getting the eggs from the chicken coup for me on that day. That's what I was always most excited about! I would take the basket and go to the hen house looking for those warm treasures that seemed so amazing to me and proudly carry them back to the house. The afternoon would follow with the Grandparent's inside visiting and me running around outside exploring and picking apricots off the tree to eat. Dinner time would come and we would eat some amazing fried chicken and Lome would always promise me that they would never eat my little Peep.

Back in those days though, you never saw any teen movies where there was any interracial couples. Sixteen Candles....Pretty in Pink...Breakfast Club....nope. Ah, but times have changed, and so much for the better I think. In watching my daughter grow up and begin to have boyfriends, I have seen the way things have become different, and I am glad for it. Audrey is only 13 and has just done the typical pre-teen and now teen thing of something I refer to as "The Boy of the Week Club" (Of course that is a whole other story!). The point being, she has had crushes on a rainbow of boys. She sees them no differently than she sees herself. That makes me so very happy. Every race has it's prejudices, blacks can be racist against whites, whites against blacks and so on....the reason? Because we are all people, we are all HUMANS. We are all the same.

What made me really think on this subject was much more than the election. I won't share my political views here and now, but to be honest, political views make no difference. Barack Obama is an American. Period. Just the same as any other President we've had. I'm really talking about how the American view has changed. Audrey and I finally finished watching "The sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2" today. In this teen love story there are mixed couples everywhere. It rocks! I hope that our country and our world can continue to see all races as equals. And that's my soapbox speech for today:).

Coffee is GOOOOOD!

I'm so sorry I have been bad about blogging. Starting the new job just consumed me for a few days, and then "Twilight" consumed the one day I took off.

The first couple of days on the job were pretty good, but just extremely overwhelming for me. That's just how it works for me though. When I am really nervous about something I just turn into a deer in the headlights and it takes a little bit to move past it. It is the same way when I am learning lines for a play. Some of my past directors know this, so the first few times offbook they know that I will stumble alot. But once I have gotten the lines right just one time, I always get them. It's just a weird quirk I have I guess. Soooo, learning the POS was a little intimidating at first, but by Friday I was able to do the lunch rush with no problem.

Mostly though, the stress comes from the weight on my shoulders. This place has a ton of possibilities and I have alot of ideas. I'm sure I am just putting undue pressure on myself. Rome wasn't built in a day. I do worry about failing though. I just need to take it one day at a time. And hey, free yummy coffee drinks on the mornings I need them....good deal:).

As far as the family issues, I have decided to let it go for now. I think what I really needed was to know that I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I did. All of your input really helped me see what was important. I got lot's of different feedback from many of you and some of it hit so close to home that it made my cry. I needed to hear it. Audrey is struggling in school and I think at this point, she needs to focus on that. It isn't a lie or a way out, so I am not being dishonest. I want my children to have a relationship with their grandparents, I always have. At this point, I will keep an ever watchful eye on things and if the need arises, I will not hesitate to discuss the situation.

I guess that's it for now.

Wow

I have to say that I was amazed at all the responses I have gotten from people about my last post. I really appreciate all the support! I've been so busy with my new job over the last few days that I haven't had time to make any decisions. Right now I feel like I need to just sit back a bit.

Things are going well with the new job. I was overwhelmed at first, which is normal. Each day has gotten a little better, so that is really good. I have to go to work soon, but hopefully tomorrow I will have time to really write.

New Job:)

Ok, I am officially REALLY excited! Jeff and I went to lunch there today. We took the computer and planned to talk about bills and budgeting as well as look at the menu and talk about my new job. The shop isn't much to look at from the front, but once you are inside, the place is really pretty. Once I am actually working, I will send pics for those of you who don't live local. It was really fun watching Jeff's face as we walked in and how surprised about how nice it is inside.

I have so many ideas! There are so many things that can be done to make this place even more successful and I can't wait to get started. And with Jeff not having a job at the moment, I am planning on having him work with me to develop things. How stupid would I be not to have the help from the man who has 20 years restaurant experience. And, we will get to work together. I think it will keep his mind occupied too.

Wooohooo, I have a job!!!!

Video Games & Rock Bands

Kids are hilarious. Amazingly I saw today that a video game can actually spark some great imagination:). Over the past few days the kids have been playing Guitar Hero World Tour at the neighbor's house. Yesterday after about an hour of playing the game, all the kids were suddenly in our garage making their own rock band. After about two hours of banging from the garage area, Michael and Natalee came in (stating that the band was only the two of them now since their manager Jeffrey had quit) with homemade flyer's stating, "The Rock is going on tonight, Saturday from 8:00 to 8:30, To: Mom, only 25 cents!"

After about another 15 minutes, Michael came in and said, "There's been a change in plans. The Rock is only going to be from 8:00 until 8:03, we couldn't think of any more songs.". Ha,ha,ha,ha!

When I looked out my front door, my enterprising kids had set up a drum set consisting of a cooler and two buckets and a microphone using a paint roller. Imagination ROCKS!

Emotion

Emotions are funny things and such a powerful part of life. When I applied for the job at Cafe Panini, I felt really great about the interview. I knew it was a awesome opportunity and I was assured that I pretty much had the job. At that point, I was elated. Time then dragged on with no word from the owners and I began to separate myself from that elation because it was beginning to seem that I was not going to get the job. I learned how to do that when I was a teenager. My mother an I often fought due to me being a teenager and her being very depressed. She would corner me in my room or in the car and gripe at me. I found that the way to defend myself was to separate myself from these episodes and ignore her instead of fighting back. Of course that also served to make her angrier.

Now I have to say that my Mom is a wonderful amazing person and I admire her greatly. That was a time in her life that I know she would do anything to change. She was in a deep dark depression and did the best she could at the time.

So, there are times in my life that I can take things and bury them, and strangely it is sometimes very hard for me to reach back in to those things that I have buried. So, when I FINALLY got the call that they had hired me, I felt strangely calm about it. Cautious is maybe how I felt? Of course as things have sunk in and I realize that yes, I really do have a job, I am absolutely thrilled. This job has a great potential for being something really amazing. Maybe some of what I am feeling has to do with Jeff. Even though I am so happy for this new opportunity, it's hard to enjoy when your husband is having such a hard time.

I want nothing more for Jeff than for him to find the job of his dreams. I want him not to have to feel pressured that he has to take the first thing that comes along just so that he can support his family. His sense of responsibility for us is so great that I fear he will take a job that will make him unhappy. He is such a wonderful man,and has healed me in so many ways from a really bad time in my life. He has shown me what love is truly about. More than anything, he has always believed in me and helped me to see that I can do so much more than I thought possible. I love this man more than words can truly express.

So, emotion, I watch him and I see his fear, his panic. It's hard to sit here feeling so helpless about how to help him. All I can do is love him and hope that is enough to see him through.

And then there is the emotion of being a Mom. Audrey had oral surgery today. As an adult, I knew that this would be easy and safe and she would come of out of it without a hitch (and she did). As a Mom, I worried about all the "what if's". I guess sometimes you just can't help that. And of course we haven't heard a word form her Dad. He knew how nervous she was, yet we haven't heard from him since he dropped them off the day after Christmas. The first person she wanted to call on the way home was her Dad, but his phone was turned off. I hate that my kids are growing up thinking that's how a Dad should act. And once again, I am thankful that they have Jeff in their lives to show them that isn't how a man treats his children.

Emotion....