Emotion

Emotions are funny things and such a powerful part of life. When I applied for the job at Cafe Panini, I felt really great about the interview. I knew it was a awesome opportunity and I was assured that I pretty much had the job. At that point, I was elated. Time then dragged on with no word from the owners and I began to separate myself from that elation because it was beginning to seem that I was not going to get the job. I learned how to do that when I was a teenager. My mother an I often fought due to me being a teenager and her being very depressed. She would corner me in my room or in the car and gripe at me. I found that the way to defend myself was to separate myself from these episodes and ignore her instead of fighting back. Of course that also served to make her angrier.

Now I have to say that my Mom is a wonderful amazing person and I admire her greatly. That was a time in her life that I know she would do anything to change. She was in a deep dark depression and did the best she could at the time.

So, there are times in my life that I can take things and bury them, and strangely it is sometimes very hard for me to reach back in to those things that I have buried. So, when I FINALLY got the call that they had hired me, I felt strangely calm about it. Cautious is maybe how I felt? Of course as things have sunk in and I realize that yes, I really do have a job, I am absolutely thrilled. This job has a great potential for being something really amazing. Maybe some of what I am feeling has to do with Jeff. Even though I am so happy for this new opportunity, it's hard to enjoy when your husband is having such a hard time.

I want nothing more for Jeff than for him to find the job of his dreams. I want him not to have to feel pressured that he has to take the first thing that comes along just so that he can support his family. His sense of responsibility for us is so great that I fear he will take a job that will make him unhappy. He is such a wonderful man,and has healed me in so many ways from a really bad time in my life. He has shown me what love is truly about. More than anything, he has always believed in me and helped me to see that I can do so much more than I thought possible. I love this man more than words can truly express.

So, emotion, I watch him and I see his fear, his panic. It's hard to sit here feeling so helpless about how to help him. All I can do is love him and hope that is enough to see him through.

And then there is the emotion of being a Mom. Audrey had oral surgery today. As an adult, I knew that this would be easy and safe and she would come of out of it without a hitch (and she did). As a Mom, I worried about all the "what if's". I guess sometimes you just can't help that. And of course we haven't heard a word form her Dad. He knew how nervous she was, yet we haven't heard from him since he dropped them off the day after Christmas. The first person she wanted to call on the way home was her Dad, but his phone was turned off. I hate that my kids are growing up thinking that's how a Dad should act. And once again, I am thankful that they have Jeff in their lives to show them that isn't how a man treats his children.

Emotion....