Depression.....they say it hurts and they aren't wrong. I've been on both sides. When you are depressed, the depression lies to you. It tells you that you are worthless, that you have no friends, that life is bad. I've been there. I've also been on the other side of it. The side that GETS hurt. I have learned over time that I have to protect myself sometimes, even when it is someone you love most that is hurting you.
My Mom suffers from serious depression and has for years. Sometimes it's alright and sometimes it isn't. Even one harsh tone from her can send me reeling. We are all tangled up together in a mesh of being really close in a good way and being dysfunctional in others. My mother is suffering right now with some serious medical issues. It has caused her to be in a real depression. Unfortunately, it has also caused her to lash out at me. As of this moment she isn't even speaking to me.
Why? Well, apparently because I am being a bad parent to my daughter. Audrey expressed to her the desire to try out for cheerleading. I was upset at first because it was so last minute and Audrey just hadn't been preparing, but at my Mother's insistence, I gave in. I got her a coach and asked her to practice. I told her she would have to work very hard because there was alot of competition.
Audrey has struggled because she wants to have her "thing". You know that thing that you are good at. Her brother plays baseball and she is honest and tells me she is jealous because he has that and she feels she doesn't have something. We had a heart to heart and I explained to her that not everyone's "thing" has to be something sports related. Audrey loves to write and has signed up for Journalism class next year. She will do great and love it. She just has to be patient. She has yet to practice to cheerleading. I figure if it is something she really wanted, she would be working on it, right? Ah, but somehow that is my fault in my Mother's eyes. She thinks that I have put Audrey down and that now she thinks she can't do it. She thinks that because her Mother told her the same things.
I finally wrote her an email today and told her the ball is in her court. I told her that I love her and want to have a relationship with her and that I don't understand why she wants to stay mad at me. It isn't fair to withhold love from someone as a punishment. It isn't right and I don't deserve it. No one does. I know exactly the impact this will have on her. I spent too many years not standing up for myself for fear of sending her farther down into the depression. Now I know that part isn't my fault. I have to stand up for myself, as painful as it is. I can only hope and pray that she will decide to let me back in and not do something that will break all of our hearts.
Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers. I am very scared for her right now, and I am shut out. Even though I know the truth about depression, I would never be able to forgive myself if something happens to her before we can get things worked out. I love her, she's my Mom. The only one I'll ever have.
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