The first thing on my mind tonight is dealing with a little bit of hurt. Ok, maybe it's alot of hurt. My divorce several years ago was difficult. Rich and I had been married for nearly 13 years, together for 15. I was close with all of his family, his sister and sister in law were my very best friends. The whole marriage was not bad, but due to some mental issues with my ex, the last few years were awful. I prayed, I begged, I pleaded with God to help me get through and it never happened. Maybe someday I will go into further detail on this. Maybe that is why I don't go to church anymore. To some degree I am still hurt by the fact that I feel God didn't save me, make it work out. That's the way it is supposed to be right? You are supposed to stay married to the first person you marry. Shouldn't God have made that work?
Looking back, of course even with the pain of it all, in so many ways I am better off now. My husband is amazing and I am so very thankful to have him and the relationship we have.
That doesn't change the fact that when I left my husband, I lost an entire family. These people I had loved and been close to for 15 years, just ditched me in the blink of an eye. I made the stupid mistake tonight of making myself vulnerable to it, and now I am so hurt. Audrey travelled with her grandparent's to visit some of those people. I called her and asked to speak to one of the "aunts" that I thought was cool thinking maybe after all this time she would talk to me and it would be fine. She talked to me, but then it was quite obvious she didn't want to be talking to me. It hurts. Gosh, it really does. All of those people were my family. Now they literally despise me. How can you be like that? Why can't I let it go?
Oherwise, things are going really well. I had an interview today for a job that, if they hire me, will be amazing. More details to come:). I'm sorry, right now....I just feel stupid for reaching out to someone I thought might still care. Let it go Erin, just let it go.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Ah Ha Moment
Alright, so I've had the moment, the one I've been waiting for, the time when I finally realize what I want to do. Over the past few years whenever there has been a catering event for Sparky's big or small, Jeff will always ask me if want to work the event. I've done huge weddings and small get togethers. Every single one was a blast! Earlier this week Jeff got a call from a woman in Sun City who was haivng a Christmas Party and wondered if Jeff knew of anyone who could come and help her during the party and of course he called me.
I showed up about an hour early last night and Pokey (yep, that's what they call her, never did find out why) was in panic mode with all the last minute stuff. I just jumped right in and helped her finish the appetizers and get everything plated up and garnished etc. As people began to arrive I took them drinks, talked to them, made sure the platters stayed full of appetizers and washed a few dishes here and there. This allowed Pokey to really enjoy her party which she very much appreciated. I cannot tell you how much fun it was! I can do this, and I can do so much more. The way I figure it though, this is how you start. Pokey is a realtor and she says she does these kinds of things all the time and will call me again. She even paid me way more than she originally agreed to ($100 for three hours of work that was FUN is awesome!).
If I can get my name out there and word of mouth spreads, then people will begin to ask me to do bigger things. I can be totally flexible. I can do the small home parties, and when the time comes, I hope to be doing big weddings! Doing these parties includes everything I am good at. It's like being on stage really. You smile, you talk to people and make sure they are having a great time. AND, when I am doing more catering, I will be cooking too which is another thing I love. It will have to be an on the side thing for a while, but yep, this is it.
Wow, I am excited.
Oh, and to top the evening off, Sam Bradford of OU won the Heisman Trophy! Go Sooners!
I showed up about an hour early last night and Pokey (yep, that's what they call her, never did find out why) was in panic mode with all the last minute stuff. I just jumped right in and helped her finish the appetizers and get everything plated up and garnished etc. As people began to arrive I took them drinks, talked to them, made sure the platters stayed full of appetizers and washed a few dishes here and there. This allowed Pokey to really enjoy her party which she very much appreciated. I cannot tell you how much fun it was! I can do this, and I can do so much more. The way I figure it though, this is how you start. Pokey is a realtor and she says she does these kinds of things all the time and will call me again. She even paid me way more than she originally agreed to ($100 for three hours of work that was FUN is awesome!).
If I can get my name out there and word of mouth spreads, then people will begin to ask me to do bigger things. I can be totally flexible. I can do the small home parties, and when the time comes, I hope to be doing big weddings! Doing these parties includes everything I am good at. It's like being on stage really. You smile, you talk to people and make sure they are having a great time. AND, when I am doing more catering, I will be cooking too which is another thing I love. It will have to be an on the side thing for a while, but yep, this is it.
Wow, I am excited.
Oh, and to top the evening off, Sam Bradford of OU won the Heisman Trophy! Go Sooners!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Working Through
Jeff came home last night and we talked for a very long time (and drank a few tequila shots...lol). As I suspected, he feels such a great sense of burden as do I. I have already sent out many resumes today for him, so we hope that something will come up soon.
Today we got another big blow when I called to find out what would happen to his childsupport payments if he lost his job. I was told that they would accrue and that his X can report him and take him to court over it if he can't pay. Jeff supports his kids willingly, he is not a deadbeat Dad who doesn't pay or want to pay his childsupport. I know his X counts on it, as I count on mine. I know the system is in place to protect the kids. BUT, when someone loses their job and has no way to pay, it just seems terribly unfair that he could go to jail or be taken to court over it. Especially in these down times. It's just another scary thing that looms ahead. And of course, he has to tell her about losing his job and I know that won't be fun.
Come on silver lining, where are ya???
Today we got another big blow when I called to find out what would happen to his childsupport payments if he lost his job. I was told that they would accrue and that his X can report him and take him to court over it if he can't pay. Jeff supports his kids willingly, he is not a deadbeat Dad who doesn't pay or want to pay his childsupport. I know his X counts on it, as I count on mine. I know the system is in place to protect the kids. BUT, when someone loses their job and has no way to pay, it just seems terribly unfair that he could go to jail or be taken to court over it. Especially in these down times. It's just another scary thing that looms ahead. And of course, he has to tell her about losing his job and I know that won't be fun.
Come on silver lining, where are ya???
Thursday, December 11, 2008
More Bad News
I got the call about two hours ago. Jeff, "We've got a problem"....they are selling the restaurant he works for and he won't have a job after Christmas. Just when I thought things were manageable, they go down the tubes even worse. I know he is feeling horrible. Jeff's sense of responsibility for taking care of me and the kids is bigger than any man I know. He works hard and it is important to him to be the provider. He is trying really hard to play this off and be the big brave man, but I know inside he is in pieces and worried to death. He is still at work, since
he has a job until Christmas, but I know that must be terribly hard for him. Having to stay there and keep a professional face on while he worries about providing for us. He has some leads on other jobs and was really ready to move on from this one, but circumstances being what they are....now was not a good time for this to happen.
All I can say is, please send your prayers, good thoughts and wishes our way. We need all the help we can get.
he has a job until Christmas, but I know that must be terribly hard for him. Having to stay there and keep a professional face on while he worries about providing for us. He has some leads on other jobs and was really ready to move on from this one, but circumstances being what they are....now was not a good time for this to happen.
All I can say is, please send your prayers, good thoughts and wishes our way. We need all the help we can get.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Moving Forward
Jeff and I had a long talk last night in which I demonstrated all the amazing ways that we are being taken care of through this trying time. I am a religious person....somewhat lapsed on the going to church thing, but still a big believer that God is out there taking care of me. Some might have different views and I'm totally cool with that. At any rate, some really neat things have happened and are blessings during this time.
At the beginning of November I was beginning to worry that my child support check was lost in the mail as it was a little later than usual (the Attorney General takes this out of Rich's check, so it was nothing he did). I got it and didn't open it until I was in the drive through at the bank since they are always the same amount. I opened it up and it was nearly twice what it usually is. I nearly cried. I went ahead and put it in the bank, but immediately called the office to make sure there hadn't been a mistake. I didn't want to find out months from now that I owed them money. Come to find out, in April of 2005 a check had somehow not been delivered to me, so they were giving me the money that was mine. Then for some reason in November of 2008, they realized this and decided to give me that money. Hmmmmm...nice timing!
Now this little windfall allowed me to get one check ahead on paying bills. So, the last check of the month goes towards the mortgage etc...This little blessing has allowed Jeff and I to be in better shape with the job loss and we were able to pay our mortgage in December. I am going to get some decent unemployment, so all in all, things are difficult, but not horrible. January will be much harder, but I hope to have a job by then.
The next money related blessing was my parents. I have to say that through every difficult time, my family has been the most amazing support in every way. My Dad called me last Tuesday and sensing my worry about Christmas, offered some help. He said that he and Mom were planning to give us money for Christmas and would it help if they sent it now. YES!:) We don't have the kids for Christmas this year, we get them at noon on the 26th. We don't have to do BIG Christmas, but we wanted to make sure the kids each got something special. Plus, there are lots of other family memebers to buy for besides our kids. Another blessing.
I think though that the biggest blessing was my job loss. How is that possible you ask? Well, the way I see it, we were seriously considering something that could have financially ruined us. In many ways, I know we could have done it, we could have been successful. I WANTED so badly to do it, but as I said in an earlier post, wanting something and it being the right thing, are two very different things. I became privy to some things (I have friends in high places..lol on the advisory board) that most Super Suppers owners are not even aware of about the future of the company. There are some things going on within corporate that I think will ultimately cause it's demise. I wish so much that it could have worked, but I feel very strongly that it all happend in order to keep Jeff and I safe from something that could have destroyed us.
That's what gives me peace through this. I gained alot of experience that I can use moving forward. I also really believe that Jeff and I are being prepped to do something more. I don't think it's an coincidence that twice in the last year we have had the opportunity to buy our own business. It is something we both want to do, so maybe someday, we will.
I still really despise the unknown here. I want to know what comes next. But, I'm also trying to enjoy the break. My job with Super Suppers was all consuming. I had great flexibility which allowed me to be home when my kids got home from school. But even then, I was working. I was physically here, but always on the phone or computer. Work was never far from my mind. It leaves a big hole, but it is also nice not to have to worry so much. I'm going to enjoy today.
At the beginning of November I was beginning to worry that my child support check was lost in the mail as it was a little later than usual (the Attorney General takes this out of Rich's check, so it was nothing he did). I got it and didn't open it until I was in the drive through at the bank since they are always the same amount. I opened it up and it was nearly twice what it usually is. I nearly cried. I went ahead and put it in the bank, but immediately called the office to make sure there hadn't been a mistake. I didn't want to find out months from now that I owed them money. Come to find out, in April of 2005 a check had somehow not been delivered to me, so they were giving me the money that was mine. Then for some reason in November of 2008, they realized this and decided to give me that money. Hmmmmm...nice timing!
Now this little windfall allowed me to get one check ahead on paying bills. So, the last check of the month goes towards the mortgage etc...This little blessing has allowed Jeff and I to be in better shape with the job loss and we were able to pay our mortgage in December. I am going to get some decent unemployment, so all in all, things are difficult, but not horrible. January will be much harder, but I hope to have a job by then.
The next money related blessing was my parents. I have to say that through every difficult time, my family has been the most amazing support in every way. My Dad called me last Tuesday and sensing my worry about Christmas, offered some help. He said that he and Mom were planning to give us money for Christmas and would it help if they sent it now. YES!:) We don't have the kids for Christmas this year, we get them at noon on the 26th. We don't have to do BIG Christmas, but we wanted to make sure the kids each got something special. Plus, there are lots of other family memebers to buy for besides our kids. Another blessing.
I think though that the biggest blessing was my job loss. How is that possible you ask? Well, the way I see it, we were seriously considering something that could have financially ruined us. In many ways, I know we could have done it, we could have been successful. I WANTED so badly to do it, but as I said in an earlier post, wanting something and it being the right thing, are two very different things. I became privy to some things (I have friends in high places..lol on the advisory board) that most Super Suppers owners are not even aware of about the future of the company. There are some things going on within corporate that I think will ultimately cause it's demise. I wish so much that it could have worked, but I feel very strongly that it all happend in order to keep Jeff and I safe from something that could have destroyed us.
That's what gives me peace through this. I gained alot of experience that I can use moving forward. I also really believe that Jeff and I are being prepped to do something more. I don't think it's an coincidence that twice in the last year we have had the opportunity to buy our own business. It is something we both want to do, so maybe someday, we will.
I still really despise the unknown here. I want to know what comes next. But, I'm also trying to enjoy the break. My job with Super Suppers was all consuming. I had great flexibility which allowed me to be home when my kids got home from school. But even then, I was working. I was physically here, but always on the phone or computer. Work was never far from my mind. It leaves a big hole, but it is also nice not to have to worry so much. I'm going to enjoy today.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Torn
I have started this entry so many times. I worry that I am being too negative. That people, well if anyone reads this, that they will just get irritated with me. Then I realize that this isn't for anyone else. This is for me. The whole reason I decided to write was because this is the best way for me to work through my feelings.
Right now I am angry...yes STILL. I feel so much like I am flailing in the wind. I have alot of different experience, but I really didn't think I would be starting all over again. I thought when I started the GM job at Super Suppers, this was my future. I saw myself doing that job or owning the store on a very permanent basis. I keep waiting for some sort of inspiration, something to happen that moves me toward what comes next. Instead, I am home, remembering what it's like to be a stay at home Mom, and remembering that I cannot possibly afford to be that.
I will digress for a moment. The weekend was absolutely wonderful. We have made friends with our neighbors and feel really blessed to have such wonderful friends. The holiday and the friends made me forget for a while. On Sunday, we went to a Christmas Tree Farm in Elgin and picked out our Christmas Tree. We had decided last year this was what we were going to do and since we had already told the kids, we went ahead. It was such a wonderful day! Here are some pics:). The tree was so big that we had part of it hanging out the passenger side front window and part hanging out the drivers side back window...got quite a few laughs on the way home:).
Right now I am angry...yes STILL. I feel so much like I am flailing in the wind. I have alot of different experience, but I really didn't think I would be starting all over again. I thought when I started the GM job at Super Suppers, this was my future. I saw myself doing that job or owning the store on a very permanent basis. I keep waiting for some sort of inspiration, something to happen that moves me toward what comes next. Instead, I am home, remembering what it's like to be a stay at home Mom, and remembering that I cannot possibly afford to be that.
I will digress for a moment. The weekend was absolutely wonderful. We have made friends with our neighbors and feel really blessed to have such wonderful friends. The holiday and the friends made me forget for a while. On Sunday, we went to a Christmas Tree Farm in Elgin and picked out our Christmas Tree. We had decided last year this was what we were going to do and since we had already told the kids, we went ahead. It was such a wonderful day! Here are some pics:). The tree was so big that we had part of it hanging out the passenger side front window and part hanging out the drivers side back window...got quite a few laughs on the way home:).
I had an idea that I could just send out an email to everyone I know and offer the same sort of services that Super Suppers does. I have the kow how and I know there are people out there who need help with their dinners. If people wanted to buy a dinner or two from me a week, then maybe that could help make December better, or more survivable for me and Jeff. I'm still working it through, but at least it's something. Until I find whatever it is that is next for me.
Monday, December 1, 2008
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