To Share or Not to Share....THAT is the question!

I overthink blogging. Blogging is supposed to be about the everyday things in life that have been going on.

I am first going to try to do that for the time I have had since the last blog. Lets seee, lets see, what's been going on. WELL, last night I took Audrey to Stony Point Ninth Grade Center for FRESHMAN ORIENTATION! Woohoo, High School, here we come! Seriously though, whoa, it's a pretty intense deal. I told her last night she has no idea how much harder school is going to be and how much work she is going to be in for. I'm a little scared.

Michael had another baseball tournament. Did really well. It was intense though, as always. Sunday I was completely wiped out! I can't blame that completely on baseball though. We had a really fun weekend hanging out with friends and staying up way too late both Friday and Saturday. Great times:).

Yesterday Jeff got a job offer, but it's kind of a bitter sweet thing. He was offered an assistant manager position with Mesa Rosa. Pros: It's a job, it's not fast food, he likes the place alot, IT'S A JOB! Cons: It's a $25,000 pay cut (ouch), it's assistant managing, oh did I mention the $25,000 pay cut? The deal is that they want to open another restaurant sometime in the near future and would be using him to GM that, so there would be a raise involved, which is good. I just don't know how long it would be until that actually happens. I suppose that is something we need a more solid answer to (and a promise of) before he makes his choice. I will keep you updated.

I am still looking. I have an interview today, but I'm not really sure if it's going to be something that's worth doing. It was set up by one of Jeff's friends, so we'll see. I was pretty proud of myself last week though. I had to take a test in order to apply to work for the 2010 census. Yes, the government wants to test you before they hire you. Oh and it's not any silly easy test either! Thankfully I took the practice test online first. I couldn't believe how much they tried to trick me on that thing!

I am not a confident test taker. I get REALLY nervous. Not to mention the fact that I haven't taken a test in oh, say five years. I was really nervous. More so when I got into the room and half the people there were RE-taking the test. Even a guy who has a masters! The test is twenty eight questions long and you get thirty minutes. I really had to fight my nerves as the time started because my mind was telling me to run screaming out the door. That's how nervous I was. But I was REALLY proud of myself because not only did I finish, but I only missed two questions! Still haven't gotten a call though:(. I guess if it's meant to be, it will be.

So, on to the meat of my thoughts. As I saw on my friend Todd's blog not too long ago, I am pondering the depth in which I bare my soul while blogging. I have already deleted a sensitive post because I worried about certain people seeing it. I am torn. I started this blog to bare my soul because writing is great therapy for me. It's a great way for me to work out how I feel. Much like talking things out, for me, sometimes I just talk or write with no idea of what it is that is really bothering me. Eventually though, through that, it comes out.

I love that people read my bogs and love the support with which you readers have blessed me. My worry? Those people that may also have access or knowledge of my blog that I really don't care to share ANY of my deepest feelings with. There are a few people out there who have hurt me so deeply in life that to share any of my feelings with, well, it's not appealing. On some level I want to throw caution to the wind and say I don't care. If they care enough to read, then maybe their hearts are not nearly as cold as I thought. On the other hand, I do not want to give them fuel. I don't want to give them any other way to hurt me. I hope this is making sense.

As I am writing though, at least right now, I think I will just keep baring my soul. I am, just as everyone else in this life, imperfect and flawed in many ways. I like to think that I have taken some of my biggest life challenges and I have become better for them. So, if you happen to be reading this, and you know who you are, you're missing out. You loved me once before, and I'm stronger and wiser now. I could be your friend. And I'd be a damn good one too.

Home Improvement

As promised I am going to share pics of our home improvement/ art projects thus far. We have now not only been to the Georgetown Habitat For Humanity Re-Store, but also one in Austin. We have heard there is another one and will visit that one most likely tomorrow.

This is a pic of the cabitnet doors we bought in the AS IS section at IKEA. The idea here is to keep the kids feet from scuffing up the wall. I think it looks pretty cool!

Here is the "new" lighfixureI bought yesterday at the Austin RE-Store. It's a bit hard to see the green color, but it's really neat looking. WAY better than the boring one we had and for $20 a total steal! We got it installed today.

We have also painted and floored our downstairs powder room. The picture you will see is one I painted on one of those old windows I bought last week.



Today we pulled out the carpet in our dining room and plan to install wood flooring. That will take some time, but as soon as we have it done, I will post pics!

Next I am posting some art projects that I have worked on over the past few months. I am not the best artist in the world, but I do enjoy using that side of my brain, it relaxes me.

I got the idea for these on a recent visit to my friend Amy's house. Her mother made some AWESOME things for her kids rooms and I stole her ideas! Here again, I used cabinet doors bought at the Ikea AS IS section and flowers, ribbon and buttons I got on sale at various places.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Keeping busy. After ripping the carpet out of the dining room today Jeff looked at me and said "I gotta get a job!" I said, "Why, cause I'm killing you with home projects????" Yep. LOL!

Manic Mondays & Home Improvement

So, Monday was a BAD day for me. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get out of my head. I could not escape the feelings of failure and the re-living of the experience. I guess I needed to do that. I needed to so that I could put it behind me. I woke up Tuesday and felt much better thankfully.

That's when I decided that Jeff and I needed something to do while waiting for the phone to ring. Why not work on the house? I had done alot of this between Thanksgiving and Christmas and paint can be found pretty cheap. If anyone can find a deal, it's me. For instance, you can go to Wal-Mart or whatever paint store and go to their "oops" section and find plenty of discounted cans of paint. Usually I can find a color I want for a fraction of the price. Also, the "As Is" section at Ikea has been great. I have made some cool art pieces using cabinet doors I found there.

I mentioned this to Jeff and he was excited about the idea, so off we went. First we went to the Habitat For Humanity Re-Store. Oh my gosh! It was so fun! The first thing I spotted was a bunch of old windows taken from really old houses. I have been trying to find these for a long time. Years ago at and art festival in Arkansas, my Mom bought one of these old windows that someone had painted with hearts. It is now in Natalee's room, but has been a cherished. Also, I knew I could re-create this. I was so excited and went in to ask how much they were, $5 a window! What a deal! I have high hopes of painting these and selling them. After I've gotten some done, I will post pics.

Inside was just tons more fun stuff. We ended up buying a box of Pergo that we plan to install in out guest bathroom. That only cost us $10. After that, we came home, unloaded and headed to Ikea. We have a bar in our kitchen that the kids eat at everyday. Their little feet always hit against the wall and it is always filthy. We've been trying to come up with a solution for a while now. We ended up buying 4 really neat cabinet doors that Jeff is going to hang down there which will keep the kids feet off the wall. I think it will look pretty cool too! Again, pictures to follow. So, this should keep us busy for a few days and in the process we can get some much needed improvements done to our house.

I am also looking into going back to training to become a childbirth educator and lactation consultant. It will take some time, but it is something I really love. I'll keep you updated.

Mid Life Crisis?

I was talking on the phone with my friend Juli yesterday and we pondered our lives together wondering mutually if we were both suffering from an early mid life crisis. We talked about how we had both been on Facebook and were shocked to see the faces of people we know from high school who actually look like grown ups. Does this make US grown ups too? LOL. I guess at 36 with two kids and a husband, I must be. But inside I still feel young. More than that, I am still that kid who doesn't know what she wants to do with her life. Well, of course I'd love to be a movie star with six houses and a personal trainer, but that ain't happinen.

SO. What now? I'm 36 years old. I thought I had a direction. That door has been shut so firmly in my face that I would be a complete idiot not to see it. I have to admit that it is embarassing to be 36 and drifting. I see all these other friends from high school and they have careers and direction. At least I know I'm not the only one, thanks Juli. Good to know I'm not alone.

My sister reminded me when she called to let me lean on her after the whole firing thing, to remember things that I love to do. Immediately reminding me of some things I had put aside years ago. I think she's on to something. I quickly realized that I don't have to choose right this minute. More than anything right now, I think its just time to take a step back and think about things. I'll find some job in retail or Starbucks or subbing and then go teach children's theater in the summer. From there, who knows....midlife crisis....here I come, only I can't afford a sports car.

On a Lighter Note

So, there are fun things to do when you are out of work. Like spending the whole day with your hubby. Yesterday we went and got our taxes done and are going to get a decent tax return, so that's good. Knowing you will be receiving money is always a good thing, but especially good when you are running low on it. I needed to run by another office close to Super Suppers to drop something off, plus I wanted to stop by the Asian market off Spicewood, so we headed off to Austin.

For those of you who don't know, Jeff and I love to cook. I really love Asian food and so we have begun experimenting with that. We found a recipe in a cookbook we have that we wanted to try. There were a few ingredients we couldn't find at HEB, so Asian market it is. Oh, how much fun it was! I think we spent 30 minutes just looking at the sauces. It's so cool looking at how different cultures cook and what ingredients they use. For instance, you can get a dozen quail eggs at this market. I have no idea what the difference in taste is, but it's neat to see. We very much enjoyed our time there and I would recommend going there if this interests you at all. There is a restaurant in the back too. We didn't eat there, but it was pretty busy, so it must be good.

There is another Asian market on Lamar, but I like this one better. The one on Lamar is HUGE and has alot more stuff, BUT the fish smell in there is somewhat repulsive. In the back of the store they have huge fish tanks with all sorts of weird fish. Cool to see, not so cool to smell.

I will say that I was not happy about how the meal turned out, but I'm hard on myself about these things. It wasn't bad. Michael ate three eggrolls. Of course, my kids love all things Asian as well. We will keep trying to perfect our Asian cooking. Yummy! And if that involves going back to the Asian market, so be it. I think I'll take the kids next time too.

Seriously???

So. Remember how I said being the boss isn't fun? Well, apparently, I wasn't quick enough about being the boss. I should have insisted that we fire Gabe right away. But I really wanted to try to make it work because I felt bad for the guy. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to do. Yesterday, after three whole weeks of work, I got fired. Yep, that's right folks, fired.

"Jake" got what he wanted. He's back in and I am out. Even one of the other employees called me to tell me that he went to the big boss and went to bat for me, but the big boss, Robert is the one who failed this time around. He should have let "Jake" go right from the beginning and then let me do my job. Instead, all I dealt with these past three weeks has been all the crap "Jake" has been throwing out there. You know what, to heck with the fake names, the guys' name is Gabe. No sense in protecting someone who is not innocent at all.

All the time leading up to this past Monday, my boss Robert was supportive of me. Gabe kept going to him with complaints (such as "Erin isn't cutting the bread correctly, or "the food quality just isn't what it used to be", even thought I wasn't the one in the kitchen cooking it!) and Robert kept telling me that Gabe was a cancer and that needed to be taken care of. Gabe was "out sick" nearly all week last week, but finally came back in on Saturday. Gabe then told me how he had talked on the phone to Eddie (the chef who helped open Caffe' Panini and now lives in New York, and oh, did I mention that he is Robert's nephew?) for hours the past night. Well, I really worried that was going to cause issues and that he would go to Robert and defend Gabe. Apparently, I was right because Monday, Robert was singing a different tune.

So, let's review what Robert said when he hired me and all along until Monday, and what he is saying now.

1. Then: "I need someone to be the face of Caffe' Panini." Now: "I need someone who is better at the back then the front of the restaurant."

2. Then: "You are doing so great, when I am over there, I can already see the changes with how people are reacting to the great service.", oh and this one "I told Gabe that you've only been here for a few weeks, there is only so much you can do in a short time." Now: "I really expected more from you by this time."

3. Then: "Eddie is just a guy who helped develop some great recipes for this place, but he isn't here now." Now: Well, I haven't heard anything directly on this, but I have my suspicions.

The list could go on, but it's just not worth it.

Oh, and you should see what the recruiter who helped me get the job thought about the whole thing. Boy was he ever mad! He was volunteering to help Robert out with his concept and in finding me. He usually charges a very large fee. He was the first one who told Robert that he needed to let Gabe go from the start because it would cause problems. He is furious and says he will never help Robert again. That makes me feel a little better. At least someone sees that this wasn't my fault.

I am embarrassed, which is where the anger comes from. Part of me says, "you failed Erin". And part of me says, "There is no way that you could make a HUGE difference in three weeks". I want to listen to that second voice, but that first one creeps in too. I honestly felt like I was working hard and had made great strides, and then to have someone tell you otherwise just really hurts. Robert never told me anything that he thought I was doing wrong, so if he wasn't happy, he should have told me. I am not a mind reader!

And darn it, why does this stuff just keep piling on! Jeff still hasn't found a job, and he sends resumes out every single day. I know I am ranting here, but that's why I started this blog. Mostly though I just keep telling people that this happened for a reason and once again, I am waiting to see what that is. Sigh. Feeling like a failure sucks. I am humiliated.